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L'Oreal Thompson Payton is a mom, journalist and motivational speaker. She's also the author of Stop Waiting for Perfect.

Parenting and Play: Finding the Right Balance

Right now, playing with my daughter is one of my favorite activities and it seems like one of hers as well. We love reading together, playing blocks together and sliding next to each other at the playground. Just the other day we were on the seesaw at the park and I asked if she wanted to play with her friends, and she said, “No, I’m playing with mommy.” I know that I’m not always going to be her first choice of a playmate (if my own teenage years are any indication), so I’m enjoying our time together now.

Debate Around Parental Involvement in Play

But playing dolls, building Legos or running around a playground isn't for every parent. Earlier this month licensed counselor and author KC Davis ignited a fierce parenting debate after she posted a TikTok explaining why she doesn't play with her kids, who are 4 and 6.

Benefits of Independent Play

In her TikTok, Davis acknowledged that her no-play strategy might have critics calling her a "horrible parent" — and while her post has stirred up a lot of debate, it turns out that she may have a point. A recent study in the Journal of Pediatrics found that the decline in independent play is negatively affecting children’s mental health and well-being.

Parental Self-Care and Engagement

According to Davis, having kids who can play freely can also have benefits for parents. “I can tell you with 100% certainty I am a better, more engaged, more responsive parent since I made the decision to not play pretend w/ my kids," she wrote in a follow-up response on X. "It was one of the most impactful decisions I’ve made in overcoming PPD [postpartum depression] & maternal burnout.”

Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care

As a new mom, Davis explained that she “started motherhood thinking I needed to be 100% engaged 100% of the time.” But after hearing author and parent educator Janet Lansbury say “it’s not a parent's job to play with their kids,” her life changed.

Navigating Societal Expectations

According to Lansbury, two 20-minute sessions of 100% engaged play a day is all a 2-year-old really needs. Parents can also use other life activities, such as baking and family outings, to connect and engage “meaningfully and playfully” with their children.

Addressing Societal Pressures

“Kids absolutely need opportunities to play, but parents shouldn't feel pressured to always be their child's playmate,” Christine Carrig, director of Carrig Montessori School in Brooklyn, N.Y., tells me. “Kids who sense their parents are playing with them out of obligation aren't really learning the true spirit of play.”

Navigating Boundaries and Expectations

If you find yourself running on empty and not having the capacity to be fully present when your child asks you to play, it’s OK to say no — and, despite what the internet will have you believe, that does not make you a bad parent.

Importance of Quality Over Quantity

“Parents who set reasonable boundaries with their children about when they are or aren't available to play are taking care of themselves, as well as helping their child learn to accept small disappointments,” explains Carrig. “It's OK on both sides, it really is!”

Encouraging Independence in Children

“Children would rather have a smaller amount of their parent's undivided attention in play rather than a huge amount of distracted attention,” says Carrig. “If you are going to make the time to play with your child, really give them your full attention and have fun. Even if it's just five minutes.”

Fostering Resilience and Independence

It can take some practice for children to learn how to play independently, but once they do, the results can be life-changing for everyone.